


Oops I Sneezed

by Moonlightkitten



Series: Jim the Porg [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben gets a lot more than he bargained for, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Jim the Porg is the hero we all deserve, Let's all roast Ben Solo™, Lmao you thought, Oh yes Jim the Porg is back, Renperor, Rey says yes, gratuitous references to pop songs, including his ass handed to him, just my usual trash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-17 04:56:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16509749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonlightkitten/pseuds/Moonlightkitten
Summary: When he had asked her to rule the galaxy at his side, Ben Solo had not been envisioning a laissez-faire marriage in which Rey messed up all his evil plans and created stupid programs, like “education for children”. Why did children need education? Anyone under the age of twenty could go to hell for all he cared.*****In which Rey receives the greatest gift a woman can be blessed with. No, not a baby, you sexist heathen.Rap music.





	Oops I Sneezed

**Author's Note:**

> Read at your own risk.

Ben Solo was not happy that he had to travel three parsecs just to see his own kriffing wife. 

 

“If you’re so invested in my work, you could just move here,” she muttered when he complained. “Besides, you see me often enough through the bond.” 

 

This did nothing to improve his mood, and he followed sulkily after her through the landing bay of her ship. “You’re always too busy to talk.”

 

Rey punched in the elevator code, rolling her eyes. “Yeah, well, at least I’m actually getting work done. Every time I see you you’re just brooding in your little corner of the Finalizer II. What do you want to talk about, anyway? It’s not as though this is a real marriage.” 

 

Ah, yes, the familiar  _ this whole marriage was a business deal  _ card. He was wondering when she was going to play that one. It was all he ever heard from his wife.  _ You don’t want to hear about my projects?  _ she’d say.  _ Well then leave me alone. I’m busy.  _

 

And so, just to be petulant, he had done just that, removing all his supervisors from her ship. Unfortunately, this quickly backfired, as she seemed to take the new lack of accountability as a green light to do whatever she wanted. This annoyed him to the point where he stubbornly refused to talk to her about business, all the while patiently trying to ignore the New Order’s rapidly dwindling defense budget. But his admittedly small patience was wearing thin, and when Hux mentioned a billion-credit renewable energy operation on Yettrik that Ben had had no idea about, enough was finally enough. 

 

Rey was not pleased to learn of his arrival on the Horizon, her personal colony ship, to say the least. “Oh, so  _ now  _ you care about my projects,” she had hissed at him as soon as he landed. 

 

To be fair, he had cared about her projects from the very beginning, especially when they cut into his funds for building new battlecruisers. Never mind that the New Order wasn’t at war with anyone-- battlecruisers were  _ cool!  _ Even stupid possum-faced Hux agreed with that. 

 

Either way, when he had asked her to rule the galaxy at his side, Ben Solo had  _ not  _ been envisioning a laissez-faire marriage in which Rey messed up all his evil plans and created stupid programs, like “education for children”. Why did children need education? Anyone under the age of twenty could go to hell for all he cared. 

 

“Stop with the weird misplaced rage,” Rey scolded him, rubbing her temple as the elevator ascended. “I can practically feel your petulance through the bond, you know. It’s giving me a headache.” 

 

“The Horizon isn’t very impressive so far,” he countered with a frown. “I thought you’d at least put all the money you’ve been siphoning from my birthday fund to good use.” 

 

Rey smirked. “Just you wait. I promise, this will be unlike anything you’ve ever seen before.” 

 

His first thought when the elevator doors opened was  _ well, this isn’t that exciting.  _

 

His second was  _ holy shit, what has she done?  _

 

Several hundred individuals milled through a large, sweeping gallery, each holding a large plastic tray filled with... oh, no. 

 

“Who are these people?” he whispered in horror. “And why are you feeding them  _ solid food?”  _

 

With a grin, Rey stepped matter-of-factly into the swarm. “Welcome to the cafeteria. These are my defenders-- well, most of them. The pilots are having a lunch meeting in Wing Twelve.” 

 

Her  _ defenders?  _ What, like a private army, or… oh, double no. 

 

“Rey, these are  _ Stormtroopers.”  _

 

She rolled her eyes again. “We don’t call them that any more. They’re all part of the brand-new Defense and Civic Betterment program.” 

 

Okay, this was too much to process.  _ Stormtroopers,  _ who on the Finalizer II who were not even permitted to remove their helmets, were walking around dressed in sweatpants and t-shirts, talking and  _ laughing _ . Worse, nobody was bowing before him. Nobody was even averting their gaze, nobody was offering to assist him… what had she done with these people?

 

Rey seemed either unaware of or unconcerned by his impending tantrum, and he watched in amazement as a Stormtrooper casually patted her on the back. What was this madness? His wife, Supreme Leader of the galaxy, allowed friendly physical contact between herself and her inferiors? It was horrifying. 

 

“Atica!” said Rey in delight, pulling the disrespectful Stormtrooper into a tight hug. “Shouldn’t you be at the meeting?” 

 

“Shouldn’t  _ you?”  _ responded this so-called Atica lady cheekily (naming Stormtroopers now? Really). Ben gaped silently at her impudence. 

 

Rey, however, just laughed. “Had to pick up my oaf of a husband-- close your mouth Ben, you’re attracting flies. Anyway, I’m glad to see you. I need you to lead the Preventative Healthcare presentation at 18:20 tonight. I’ve got the emergency meeting to do then, and besides, I’m going to have my hands full with this one.” She patted him condescendingly. 

 

“Awesome, I’ll go prep,” replied Atica, moving to leave. “Oh, by the way, movie night this Friday? Pop by, we can open a bottle of wine.” She eyed Ben derisively. “ _ You’re  _ not invited.” 

 

“... Great,” he muttered. 

 

“See ya,” said the soldier, sauntering off with a shit-eating grin that said plainly  _ I know your wife better than you do  _ _ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ) _ . As soon as she was gone, Ben whirled around. 

 

“You’re sleeping with her,” he accused. 

 

Rey raised an eyebrow. “Whoa there, tiger. Why don’t I bring you to your quarters so you can calm down before I introduce you to my analysis team tonight?” 

 

“You  _ want  _ to sleep with her.” 

 

She sighed. “And so what if I do? It’s not as though you’ve got any right to be jealous. _ ”  _

 

“I’m your husband.” 

 

“Yes, and it’s a good thing you are, otherwise you’d have been deposed long ago.” 

 

“What is  _ that  _ supposed to mean?” 

 

“Nothing. Come on, I had them prepare some rooms for you. Follow me.” 

 

***************************************

 

_ “Will you marry me?” Ben asked, wobbling on one knee as Rey stared, confused, down at him.  _

 

_ After a few seconds, she coughed. “What?”  _

 

_ Well, that wasn’t exactly the response he had been expecting. “Just, uh, for business,” he backtracked quickly, beginning to sweat nervously. “Consolidation of power and all that.”  _

 

_ “We’re already co-Supreme Leaders,” she pointed out, leaning back against a wall. _

 

_ “I know.”  _

 

_ “So then why?”  _

 

_ “Uh. Well, um… Actually, I’m a little worried,” he admitted. _

 

_ “Yeah, so am I, at the way you’re acting right now.”  _

 

_ “Um, well, the galaxy is already loyal to me, and, uh, there might be dissent. Because of you. Because they don’t, uh, trust you yet. So, if we got married, it would automatically boost your credibility.”  _

 

_ This was an outright lie. Ben was, in fact, worried, but mostly at the fact that since accepting his offer to rule the galaxy, Rey had been far too distant for his liking. His emo dream of a passionate love affair rooted in the blood of a thousand galaxies was at this point mere fiction. Marriage, he hoped, would help to realize his ambitions in that regard. _

 

_ Snorting, Rey shook her head. “I can’t tell if you’re an asshole or just an idiot.”  _

 

_ “I’m getting the feeling that that’s a no.”  _

 

_ “Can I have quadrants III and IV?” she asked suddenly.  _

 

_ “Uh…?”  _

 

_ “And my own fleet. The battlecruiser Harmony-- or no, better yet, the colony ship Horizon. Both. And half the stormtrooper army.”  _

 

_ “Well…”  _

 

_ “And some peace and quiet from all your sulking.”  _

 

_ From a kneeling position, Rey was very tall and very scary.  “Um. Sure,” he muttered, not at all sure, and then suddenly she was bouncing around, using the wall of the Finalizer II’s conference room as an easel upon which to depict all her plans for the future of the galaxy. All the while, his head was spinning. This had  _ not  _ been a good idea.  _

 

***************   
Rey’s team of advisors, Ben was disappointed to find, consisted of Annoying Rose, Too-Hot-For-His-Own-Good Poe, and FN-2187. Also, a porg. 

 

“This is Jim,” said Rey by way of explanation, gesturing to the small bird. 

 

“Naming porgs,” he grumbled. “Right, we’re doing that now.” 

 

“Oh, lighten up,” snapped Rose. 

 

With thinly veiled patience, his wife made her way to the front of the conference room, where a large holoprojector and chalkboard were situated. She cleared her throat. Ben leaned forward. Although she had not informed him on the topic of this meeting, he was interested to witness for himself the astounding charisma that Rey was rumored to possess. 

 

“Hello, everyone,” she began, and he nearly smiled. She sounded so  _ professional.  _ “As you all know, we’re here today to discuss the potential impending crisis facing our galaxy today. Now, our analys--” 

 

Wait. 

 

“ _ What?”  _ he hissed, suddenly very alert. “We don’t have an impending crisis!” 

 

Rey eyed him with disdain. “Can I speak? Or would you like to lead this meeting yourself, since you’re so well-versed on current galactical events?” 

 

“Yeah, emo boy,” rejoined Poe, smacking him on the hand. 

 

This day really sucked. 

 

“Anyway,” continued his wife, “I’m referring, of course, to the wormhole that has suddenly and inexplicably opened in the eastern edge of Quadrant III. General Poe, do you have the specific time and location?” 

 

_ Wormhole?  _

 

“Right,” said Poe, reading his holopad. “Let’s see, it opened at the Delta sector-- coordinates are four colon six, acorn twelve, at 4:20 in the morning. From what we can tell, there’s some dinky Level 5 planet called Earth on the other side. The hole is shaped like a leaf.” 

 

“Hang on,” Ben interjected again, ignoring the rest of the room’s glares. “A wormhole opened in our galaxy this morning and nobody bothered to inform me?” 

 

“Yeah, that’s basically what happened,” said FN-2187 smugly. 

 

“But I’m the  _ Supreme Leader!”  _

 

Poe cleared his throat. “As I was saying, the hole is approximately two parsecs wide… oh, and here’s an picture of it.” He flipped the holopad around. The satellite image did indeed show what was unmistakably a wormhole, the edges glowing a faint green. But the hole itself-- Poe was right, he admitted grudgingly. It was shaped like leaf-- a  _ very  _ familiar type of leaf. 

 

“Marijuana,” he announced suddenly, cutting off whatever Poe had been about to say. 

 

“Oh my  _ god,”  _ hissed Rose. “Could you stop interrupting every--” 

 

Ben paid no attention to her. “It’s marijuana. Can’t you see it?” 

 

“Marijuana?” Rey repeated blankly. 

 

He glanced around for support, only to be met with a roomful of confused stares. 

 

“You know, marijuana!” 

 

“What?” 

 

Ben sighed. “Weed? Pot? Herb? Uh, cannabis? Kush? Miley Cyrus?” 

 

“What?” 

 

“Don’t tell me that none of you have ever smoked… okay, ever wonder why my uncle Luke acted so spiritual or whatever? He was high half the time. Marijuana is a, um, drug. As far as drugs go, it’s pretty mild, but… yeah.” 

 

“Wait,” said Rose, crossing her arms. “You’re telling us somebody from some planet named--- what did you say it was, Earth?-- opened up a wormhole in our galaxy to sell us drugs?” 

 

“Maybe. I know it sounds crazy,” he admitted. “Actually… Is it emitting any radio signals? Somebody might be trying to communicate from the other side.” 

 

“Oh, you, sir, are a genius,” exclaimed Rey, but he barely had time to be flattered before she had snatched a holopad and begun typing furiously. Force, this was a strange, strange day. 

 

“Okay,” she announced after a minute of consternation. “They’re emitting about fifty radio frequencies that we can pick up from here. Should I tune into one of them and see what happens?” 

 

“Yes,” he told her, and she grinned, flipping a switch. 

 

“Here goes nothing!” 

 

At first, only static was audible as the speakers began to adjust, and the other advisors glanced around, disappointed. 

 

“Well, maybe--” Rose began, and then. 

 

And  _ then _ . 

 

_ “SO ANNIE ARE YOU OKAY, ARE YOU OKAY ANNNNNNIE?  _

_ ANNIE ARE YOU OKAY, WILL YOU TELL US, THAT YOU’RE OKAY?”  _

 

The volume was deafening. 

 

“TURN IT OFF!” he screamed, and Rey slammed the holopad onto the conference desk a few times until silence rang out. 

 

For a moment, nobody said anything. 

 

Then

 

“Okay, so they’re trying to tell us that someone named Annie died,” whispered FN-2187 hoarsely. “Maybe one of their leaders? God, I think I’m deaf after that.” 

 

Rose nodded. “We need to figure out what they’re asking. Change it to a different frequency. And for maker’s sake, turn the volume down.” 

 

Rey fiddled with the controls. “I’m going to switch it on again. Um, cover your ears. Just in case.” 

 

It was much quieter this time, but no less disturbing. 

 

_ “SHATY GOT THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS AND THE BOOTS WITH THE FUR (FUR!)”  _

 

“I really don’t understand what they want from us,” Ben muttered. 

 

_ “SHE HIT THE FLOOR! NEXT THING YOU KNOW, SHATY GOT LOW, LOW, LOW, LOW, LOW, LOW, LOW…”  _

 

“Maybe,” said Rose, “this has something to do with Annie. She hit the floor? Does that mean she died?” 

 

“I think Low is a code word,” Poe told them. “They’re trying to encrypt communications.” 

 

_ “GOT THEM BAGGY SWEATPANTS AND THE REEBOKS WITH THE STRAPS! (STRAPS!)”  _

 

“Is Reebok a type of droid?” 

 

“I think so.” 

 

_ “TURNED AROUND AND GAVE THAT BIG BOOTY A SMACK! (SMACK!)”  _

 

Blushing, FN-2187 reached over and turned it off again. “Whoever they are, they’re not very… subtle.” 

Rey hummed. “It had a good beat. Let’s listen to another frequency.” 

 

_ “DRAKE WORTH A HUNDRED MILLI, ALWAYS BUYING ME SHIT, BUT I CAN’T TELL IF THE PUSSY WET OR IF HE CRYING AND SHIT…”  _

 

Suddenly, several very strange things began to happen. First of all, a few people in the room began to sway along to the beat of the radio communication. Ben wondered if they were all being hypnotized. Then, inexplicably, the small porg to Rey’s left began to screech, as though it was attempting to sing along. 

 

“Yeah, get it, Jim!” crowed Poe. 

 

This was terrible. Rey’s top advisors were  _ bopping  _ to what was clearly a radio communication from a hostile foreign power trying to corrupt the galaxy by selling them pot. He turned helplessly to his wife, only to find with mounting horror that she, too, was beginning to dance, a breathless grin on her face. 

 

What was this madness? 

 

Ben didn’t want to rehash the details of what occurred after that. Suffice it to say that what should have been a serious policy meeting devolved into a full-blown dance party. Later on during the night, they somehow managed to secure a disco ball for the conference room, and hundreds of Stormtroopers crowded around, including Rey’s maybe-girlfriend Atica. Ben kept a close eye on them while they danced. What? He wasn’t jealous. Just really… yeah, okay, he was jealous. 

 

And annoyed. 

 

Stars, what had become of his precious First Order? 

**Author's Note:**

> oh no what have I done


End file.
